Colette and David worked it out

Stories by Kathy Tait
Staff Reporter
Vancouver Province
July 8, 2002

David and Colette Purcell-Chung describe themselves as very strong-willed, stubborn and opinionated. When their relationship was good, their conversations and debates were exciting, even sexy. They had fun, were never bored with each other. Colette enjoyed David's "goofy," funny, rebellious side.
But when it was bad, it was rotten.
The Surrey couple, now 31, married five years ago after meeting in the library at Simon Fraser University four years earlier.
Their relationship was touch-and-go from the first date, when David turned up 90 minutes late.
Weeks Into the relationship, David matter of factly told Colette he had to go out of town to work for the summer. Colette felt rejected.
For several years, with each working in different regions, their relationship was mostly long-distance -phone calls that usually disintegrated Into arguments.
Yet still they were drawn to each other and wanted to get beyond the storms. They'd tried marriage counselling, but the storms continued.
Often stupid little things, masking deeper issues, would trigger fights.
It didn't help that they felt the pressures of different cultural backgrounds and family expectations. Colette didn't fulfil the traditional Chinese role of serving her man or being deferential to his family. And David, although he cooks and cleans as much or more than most western men, believed it was his duty to protect his family of origin's honour before all else.
Typically, when Issues came up, the "computer-like" David would say "every- thing's fine" and walk away or go off to work (he's a land use and development consultant), leaving the emotional Colette frustrated and screaming.
"It got so I'd sit on the floor with my back to the door and say, 'You're not going any- where,' " says Colette, who owns a home- based public-relations company.
David read the relationship books, but they were just words on a page. Colette couldn't see how they could bring children into a relationship full of bickering and fighting.
When David's family wanted him to house-sit last year for several weeks, it was the last straw for Colette.
David agreed to sign up with Colette for PAIRS.
By the second weekend of the course, good things were already happening.
"Until PAIRS, I never told Colette why I loved her, not ever. That's for Perry Como or Dean Martin -corny. The second weekend, Colette brought this up. I said it doesn't feel right.
"Charlotte [the therapist] said, 'That's bullshlt,' It was like I woke up. Charlotte helped me to Identify my emotions and they came flooding out, By controlling my anger, I hadn't been dealing with my emotions, It was very relieving. Colette saw me cry more In that weekend than in nine years of our relationship, "A lot of it was sadness about how badly I had treated Colette, by not showing her emotion and by not working positively in our relationship."
David says hearing the other couples' stories and seeing other men cry made it easier for him.
For Colette, "the biggest thing was letting go of all the stuff in my museum of hurts, expressing the anger I felt, having those feelings validated and having him listen for the first time how I was hurt. Now that pain is not there any more."
Since their PAIRS course ended three months ago, the couple sometimes revert to old habits. But they recognize them Immediately, apologize, examine the roots of the way they're acting and try to fight "fairly."
They also make "deposits" in their love "bank" -saying and doing the little nice things for each other that make it easier to forgive when they do have a fight.
David has overcome his issue of divided loyalty between Colette and his family. He no longer pressures her to always join him in visiting his parents and when she is there, he no longer withdraws from her.
"Now we're even confident enough about ourselves and our relationship to go into the newspaper," says David.
"And I feel we can go into having kids," says Colette.

Things to do

PAIRS couples learn to post a list on the fridge of six to 12 things their partner could do to make them feel cared about or special.

Some Items on Colette's current list:

• Show me affection while we watch TV.
• Suggest we go for a walk to a park.
• Go to bed early and lie awake talking.
• Rent a "mushy" movie and watch it together.
• Leave the newspaper at the door and talk to me while we eat breakfast.
• Give me a 60-second hug.

Some Items on David's list:

• Give me a massage or back-rub.
• Keep the "public" space in our office clear of files and documents.
• When it's your turn to clean the kitchen, don't leave dirty pots and pans in the sink or on the stove.
• When taking a shower together, keep the pressure low and the temperature cool.
• Offer to make dinner a couple of times a week.
• Surprise me with dessert treats.