Gary and Anita fell apart -
but they finally got it together

Stories by Kathy Tait
Staff Reporter
Vancouver Province
July 8, 2002

One day, eight years ago, Anita Froese walked out the door. Left behind were husband Gary and their two-year-old daughter Ashleigh.
Until that moment Gary had "no idea" their seven-year marriage was in trouble. Six years later, Anita came back, pregnant with another man's child. She had tried other relationships and realized her problems were within herself, not with Gary or other men.
So she returned to their Aldergrove home, twice a week at first, to spend time with Ashleigh. Then she was there three days and four days. The couple's friendship grew.
"I knew I was ready for us to be back together," says Anita, now 34. "I had left to find myself. I told Gary things changed within me... I felt Gary was the right one."
Not surprisingly, Gary didn't trust Anita.
"I thought she was just telling me what I wanted to hear," says Gary;- now 38, a construction foreman.
He wanted to go for counselling so they would not end up back at square one. But he wanted something more in-depth and intensive than counselling one hour a week.
The big thing was learning how to really communicate.
In her own family, Anita had learned not to share her feelings:
"My dad was an alcoholic, and I never knew if he was going to explode or not. Sometimes we were laughed at if we were upset. My mom had to take control and became domineering.
"I was used to not talking about how I felt. I didn't think Gary would understand. So little things piled up. One day I just walked out. I had no feelings left at all. I was numb."
Starting PAIRS In September 1999, Anita learned to speak up when bothered.
She also learned to let go of her guilt and forgive herself for hurting Gary and Ashlelgh.
Gary, the black-and-white thinker, the ever-practical man, learned to express his love, do romantic little things and also share his feelings - especially the hurt he felt over her leaving him.
Despite Gary's long workdays and the demands of two busy children, they now make a point of "couch time" - sitting and talking together.
Anita, the spontaneous one, realized she has her own personality. They use the daily temperature reading (below), even with their kids.
They each learned to give, rather than look for what they could get out of their relationship.
They learned caring behaviours (for example, he brings her flowers; she makes his lunch) and to express appreciation of each other rather than expecting the other to read her or his mind.
Their PAIRS group grew close over the six months because they were able to say everything on their minds, share "deep hurts" and be accepted.
At first, Gary was "out of my comfort zone" with the intimacy that developed so quickly with virtual strangers. But he learned to open up and share.
In February 2000, the group attended the couple's ceremony to renew theIr wedding vows.
"Our marriage is a miracle... says Anita.

One in three Canadian. marriages ends in divorce.
Common-law unions, even those with kids, have an even worse track record, and blended families (his and her kids together) worse still.
But now a marital education course -successful in the U.S. for more than 15 years -is available in B.C. and showing remarkable success.
Charlotte and Bill Dyck, the registered clinical counsellors who run the course, claim a 75-per.cent success rate in helping troubled couples, including those who have separated, to re-bond and thrive.
Called PAIRS (Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills), the course isn't quick or cheap. It takes one weekend a month for six months and costs $500 a couple per weekend - $3,000 in total.
Couples share their agonies with a dozen other couples. Participants cry, cuddle, shout, argue and generally tum their insides out.
But, oddly enough, couples who've been through it describe it as great fun with wonderfully wacky moments. They say they leave with practical relationship skills that work.
The Dycks, married 40 years themselves, help couples move from unconscious incompetence (they don't know they're doing anything wrong) to awareness. Then the couples are guided from conscious incompetence (they know they're doing it wrong) to conscious competence (they know what to do but have to think about it).
Finally, with practice, the couples reach unconscious competence (they do it right without thinking).
After the course, the couples, now often close friends, mentor each other and meet as a group once a month Here, two couples tell their stories.

The daily temperature reading

To help lower the temperature on your fever- pitched fights and, with time, light your fire in other more desirable ways, each partner is asked to take time daily to do the following:
1. Appreciate. Express an appreciation about your partner or about something good in your life.
2. Offer new Information - about something you feel or something that's happened to you.
3. Puzzle. Talk about something that puzzles you -perhaps about your relationship or a quirky thing your boss said to you that day.
4. Complain and request change. Talk about something that's bugging you. It's much easier for your partner to hear a complaint after hearing what you appreciate about him or her, and after you've just bared your soul.
5. Wish, hope or dream. Talk about your hopes for anything you'd like to see happen to you, to your relationship, at work, with your family. It can be a hope for today or five years from now.