We recently asked PAIRS Leaders on our e-mail list to let us know how they’d answer more than twenty-five questions provided by Don Adams of Cary, NC. While a number of Leaders responded, the prize for the best answer (six PAIRS coffee mugs and a $50 PAIRS gift certificate) goes to Bonnie Gordon-Rablnowitz of Tidewater, VA, who provided the answers that follow. Thank you Bonnie and Don!

1. What is the PAIRS Program?

• PAIRS is a 120-hour psychoeducationalclass designed to teach skills and tools for maintaining and sustaining intimate relationships.

2. How Is PAIRS different from traditional “marriage counseling”?

• PAIRS is different for several reasons: It is not therapy; it is psycho-education; the group setting allows participants to see other people learn and struggle with the hard work involved in relationship growth; the classroom structure also promotes safety and trust, skills necessary in intimate relationships ... sharing with the group is honored but not forced; the pace and intensity of the class is one of the reasons PAIRS works differently (BETTER) because participants can practice skills in a safe environment and try out new behaviors. Participants can do the emotional work necessary to bring about individual and couple changes in a way not available in traditional counseling.

3. Can PAIRS really help me Improve my relationships?

• PAIRS can help improve your relationship because it can teach you usable tools to improve communication, it can enable you to understand your own personal history so that you can make changes necessary for yourself and your relationship and it can provide support so that changes can happen in a way that makes sense to you.

4. Will PAIRS help us figure out what to change to make things better?

• It can, if you do the work.

5. How is PAIRS different from other marriage assistance programs I have taken?

• I’m not sure what programs you have taken. If it’s like marriage encounter, one significant difference is that PAIRS is longer, and much more comprehensive ; allowing for change to happen over time and for more material to be presented and experienced. I had one participant who has taken both explain it as ‘marriage en-counter is like a sip of coffee and PAIRS is like the whole cup.’

6. What is the purpose of the PAIRS course?

• To teach skills that will help people be able to experience and sustain intimate relationships,something we think is as important in life as water and food.

7. I’m not In a relationship right now. I’m lonely, but frankly I’m scared to try again. How can PAIRS help a single person like me?

• PAIRS helps singles figure out why past relationships have not worked and provides the skills and education necessary to help make more appropriate decisions in the future. Several of our single PAIRS grads are now in healthy relationships.

8. Why Is PAIRS taught in groups Instead of just to me and my partner? We think we would like a more one-on-one approach.

• The group provides energy and a safe atmosphere for taking risks and trying new behaviors. It shows participants that other people are really more similar than different. It shows participants that the work of relationships is hard, but do-able. It helps people experience empathy and feel that “Oh, it’s not just me and my mate ...” who have issues.

9. But what if 1 Just hate groups? Would I have to talk In front of people I don’t know?

• Most people “hate” groups. No one EVER has to talk in front of the group. You can learn and empathize from hearing other people share. The group ultimately provides a safe place to try out new skills and feels, for most people, very accepting . It also allows people to see courage and growth and feel part of it. We had a Navy Seal graduate, who, on his last night in PAIRS said ...“I have been to Grenada; I have been in Operation Desert Storm; I have been all over the world; I have see people killed and critically injured...AND I have never witnessed as much courage as 1 have seen in my PAIRS class ...”

10. What kind of people go through the PAIRS Program?

• All kinds: young, old, middle aged; happy couples looking to find ways to experience even more joy; couples with “the attorneys on hold ... looking for one last ditch effort”, people trying to decide if their mate is “the right one”, singles looking to figure out what it takes to have a lasting relationship. The design of the curriculum and the psycho educational modality enables all sorts of different people in different situations to grow and learn and change.

11. What are the credentials of the people teaching PAIRS?

• We are both individual and marital therapists. This is our 14th class. We have 420 graduates in Tidewater. We have been married (in our first marriage) for 18 years.